An Open Letter to Mother Nature in Spring
Dearest Mother Nature,
It is with the greatest regret that I write this letter. Unfortunately I feel that it is my stoic duty as a concerned parent to bring your attention to the way that you go about Spring which is, to be frank, somewhat alarming. Being a parent as well I’m sure you’ll understand.
I’ll start with flowers, which are really quite beautiful, but a bit too…graphic when it comes to the act of reproduction. Instead of remaining behind closed petals like any self-respecting piece of flora most flowers put their sexy parts right out there in the open for everyone to see. As the parent of a young and inquisitive child it’s an arrangement I find it to be entirely unacceptable and I would greatly appreciate it if you could regulate the times that flowers “make themselves available” to pollinators during a more appropriate hour when decent people are asleep.
Flowers, it turns out, are quite promiscuous. I’m sure it wasn’t your intent to begin with but they’ve evolved into a behavior that’s a little “whorish”. I’m aware that the term “whorish” is no longer in favor but there it is. Flowers, as lovely as they might be, are whores just waiting for a pollinator to move in for a quickie. But is either party satiated? They are not. The flower continues to wait for its next partner. The pollinator moves on to the next flower and each one is stuck in an unnatural cycle of sexual depravity.
The entire system seems to be rife for sexually transmitted diseases not to mention the emotional damage incurred. The only remedy to discourage their behavior is through a vigorous public relations campaign that simultaneously shames and educates both parties involved. Something like “when you’re with a flower you’re also being with every other pollinator that flower has ever been with” is an approach we’ve had quite a lot of success with in the human world.
Finally I’d like to assure you that my concerns are not just prudish. As a parent I’ve “pollinated” a bit myself and have found it to be a necessary, and even zesty, endeavor upon occasion. My concern lies with our children who are young and impressionable and might just get the wrong message with all of this rampant sexuality.
So I beg you, the next time you encourage a flower to take on multiple partners in an unnatural orgy, please think of the children.
They are, after all, our only future.
Sincerely,
A Concerned Parent
About the Author
derekbremer Prior to his life as a stay at home father Derek spent more than a decade performing public relations and marketing functions for financial consulting firms and found the job to be precisely as exciting as it sounds. When not tending to his wife or daughter Derek enjoys subjecting the public to his unique take on fatherhood, travel and animal husbandry. He has been published in Scary Mommy, Sammiches and Psych Meds, The Good Men Project, HowToBeADad, Red Tricycle, RAZED, HPP and the Anthology "It's Really Ten Months Special Delivery: A Collection of Stories from Girth to Birth.
