Do the Needy Really Need Croutons?

It’s a question I’ve been grappling with for at least a week and one that was prompted by the fact that my wife and I, apparently, no longer know how to have fun.

It all began last weekend when we were cleaning out our pantry because that’s what married couples do for fun on the weekends. My wife and I used to lounge around until 10:00 in the morning and then head out to a farmer’s market before spending the afternoon at the pool. During the evening we’d go out for dinner and maybe a movie afterward. Now we spend our free time trying to figure out where to stuff all of the magazines we’ve been meaning to read or sorting through the eighteen bins of shoes and umbrellas we’ve, somehow, acquired over the course of two months. I tell myself that it’s not unpleasant work and at least it’s inside. Sometimes I even believe it.

Like any unpleasant household chore that’s been ignored for far too long some passive-aggressive questions tend to arise.

Q: Why in the hell do we have fifteen bags of red kidney beans?

A: We purchased them four years ago in New Orleans when a family friend of ours asked us to pick up a few. How we ended up with fifteen bags of them is beyond my ability to speculate.

Other questions have less fathomable answers.

Q: Who needs three jars of Turmeric?

A: Apparently we do. On the plus side I hear turmeric makes for an excellent anti-inflammatory.

More often than not I’m the person to blame for these excess foodstuffs. I have a tendency to add items to the grocery list that we’re almost (but not quite) out of in the fear that we’ll run out. It’s a nice theory but it doesn’t always work out in practice. After picking up an extra jar of Dijon mustard or Worcester sauce I dutifully place them in the pantry, promptly forget that I’ve bought them, and then purchase another jar of mustard or Worcester sauce the next time I’m at the store. This cycle continues until we have enough mustard or Worcester sauce to last us well into retirement.

The last questions that arise from this sort of task are more existential in nature which brings me back around to my original question: Do the needy really need croutons?

We found two bags of them in our pantry and we don’t really eat croutons. At first my wife suggested that we donate them but, the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if that was the appropriate action to take.

I know that items like kidney beans and flour and even the eight jars of pickles we found would be welcomed at our local food pantry. When it comes to croutons, though, I’m not really sure. They don’t provide much in the way of nutrition and donating them seems a tad disingenuous, like I’m trying to lure those in need into eating a salad without actually supplying them with the means to make a salad. It all seems a bit passive-aggressive. Still I can’t just throw them out, the croutons that is, not the needy. I hate waste but, to continue that line of thought, it sounds like I’d be giving the needy something I’d be willing to throw away if I could, that I’d be giving them garbage, in effect.

I still haven’t solved the crouton conundrum and, until I do they’ll will remain out on the kitchen counter as a constant reminder of this ethical quandary… or until they pass their expiration date. Whichever comes first.

About the Author

derekbremer Prior to his life as a stay at home father Derek spent more than a decade performing public relations and marketing functions for financial consulting firms and found the job to be precisely as exciting as it sounds. When not tending to his wife or daughter Derek enjoys subjecting the public to his unique take on fatherhood, travel and animal husbandry. He has been published in Scary Mommy, Sammiches and Psych Meds, The Good Men Project, HowToBeADad, Red Tricycle, RAZED, HPP and the Anthology "It's Really Ten Months Special Delivery: A Collection of Stories from Girth to Birth.