Banned Bulbs: One Man’s Desperate Search for Incandescent Lighting

Humankind is facing quite a few problems these days; climate change is rearing it’s ugly head, there’s the upheaval Afghanistan not to mention the resurgence of 1980’s fashion. China continues to devalue its currency and Russia is attempting to widen its sphere of influence in Europe. Then there’s also the fact that the term “Bennifer” is, once again, in common parlance after almost 20 years.

On a smaller level other people, people like you and I, are also facing challenges. About six months ago my wife asked me to change a lightbulb and, it was at that point, that I decided to avoid an easy joke. My wife’s request seemed to be fairly innocuous but most things that ruin a marriage probably start that way. For want of a nail a kingdom was lost and, for want of a simple incandescent bulb, my marriage and perhaps even our society as a whole might unravel.

Not having a ready supply of lightbulbs I discovered that I needed to buy a few and then quickly realized that they are no longer readily available. It might seem surprising that a grown man like me with a working set of eyes and ears wouldn’t have noticed that incandescent bulbs had been phased out but I’ve never been accused of being all that aware of my surroundings in the best of times.

I vaguely remembered something about incandescent bulbs going the way of the dodo bird but I didn’t have an end date in mind. Part of me just assumed that this grave error in judgement would be corrected and stores would be knee deep in incandescent bulbs before I had to shop for them again. Unfortunately that didn’t seem to be the case and, as I stood in the middle of a massive hardware store amongst the hundreds of lighting options available, there wasn’t a single incandescent bulb to be seen.

Florescent and LED bulbs, however, were plentiful. Not to put too fine a point on it but I loathe florescent and LED bulbs. Instead of a warm and engaging glow these poor substitutes bathe their surroundings in a pale and unflattering light. This is not to say that there haven’t been improvements made in LED bulbs since their invention. Some of them even come close to mimicking the hearty radiance of the old incandescent bulb. Unfortunately it’s a product with marginal upside for improvement and akin to increasing sensitivity in condoms or introducing cherry flavoring to licorice.

I once lived with fluorescent lighting in college and, because of it, I was the only person in my love life for more than two years. That’s really my main issue with fluorescents and LEDs. I’m not getting any younger after all. With every day that passes goes another day where I’ve looked about as good as I’ll ever look. I need to appear to be as handsome as possible and incandescent bulbs have a lot to do with that.

The upside, I suppose, is that I’ve already had a child. My genetic purpose has pretty much been fulfilled but what about the future generations? Will they even find the opposite sex attractive under the pallid glow of LED lighting? The answer is a distinct and resounding “No” and the ramifications for our species are both subtle and profound.

Of course incandescent bulbs aren’t great for the environment but, let’s face it, the environment has been circling the drain for a while now. Between global warming, the burning of vast swathes of the rainforest not to mention the acidification of the oceans and the staggering amounts of other pollutants we’re dumping into our environment I figure we’ve only got a few decades left before we’re living in burlap sacks and hunting each other for sport. Are a few million incandescent bulbs really going to make that much of a difference in the grand scheme of things?

I suspect that, within a decade or so of the ban on the incandescent bulb, the US birth rate will decline sharply while the population of other, more incandescent bulb friendly countries, will continue growing like gangbusters. Markets will shift to cater to these robust economies as they provide a more lucrative sources of revenue and, just like that, we’ll be marginalized. Our once powerful nation will fade into the background of history and all for the want of an incandescent bulb.

Unfortunately my passionate argument didn’t do much to persuade the managers at the hardware store. It did, however, manage to attract the attention of someone who was able to find a small stash of incandescent bulbs in the back of a shelf behind the fluorescents. I walked to the checkout with an extra skip in my gait knowing that I’d saved my marriage and, perhaps, held off the downfall of our society for a few more years. I just hope that someone remembers my sacrifice and, perhaps, nominates me for sainthood once society collapses and we’re all eating out of garbage cans. Knowing that I’ve done my part to stand between anarchy and our great nation, however, is reward enough.

About the Author

derekbremer Prior to his life as a stay at home father Derek spent more than a decade performing public relations and marketing functions for financial consulting firms and found the job to be precisely as exciting as it sounds. When not tending to his wife or daughter Derek enjoys subjecting the public to his unique take on fatherhood, travel and animal husbandry. He has been published in Scary Mommy, Sammiches and Psych Meds, The Good Men Project, HowToBeADad, Red Tricycle, RAZED, HPP and the Anthology "It's Really Ten Months Special Delivery: A Collection of Stories from Girth to Birth.