An Open Letter to the Attendees of My Daughter’s Birthday Party, Written After Drinking Eight Beers
It didn’t have to come to this people
Dear party guests,
I apologize in advance for sending out a thank you letter en-masse (trust me Barbara it’s a term) but I’ve been forced to break with tradition. It seems that SOMEONE (my wife Carol, ladies and gentlemen!) didn’t keep a list of who gave what to my daughter but I’m choosing to rise above the situation because I have a modicum of etiquette. We live in a society with rules, Carol.
I don’t know who gave my daughter a puzzle but it’s not the 1820s anymore. Also, the only people who enjoy putting them together are widows hoarding a clowder (YES IT’S A WORD BARBARA) of cats in a utility apartment above a bowling alley. Speaking of which, do you know who’s going to have to put this damn thing together? Me. The guy with horrible spatial skills and a deep sense of denial over the need to wear bifocals.
To whoever gifted the board game Candyland, I’d like to thank you for providing me with an opportunity to spend fifteen million tedious hours with my daughter. Next time just give me a revolver with one round in the chamber. At least Russian Roulette eventually ends.
Jacob, I know it was you who gave my daughter a Frozen karaoke machine. Listen, I think you’re a great kid and I know that this isn’t your fault. Your daddy and I have some issues and by “issues” I mean I caught him “with an intern” at the office Christmas party a few years ago and I might have mentioned it to your mom. Give me a call if you’re looking for a better role model.
To read more just click through to An Open Letter to the Attendees of My Daughter’s Birthday Party, Written After Drinking Eight Beers on Medium!
About the Author
derekbremer Prior to his life as a stay at home father Derek spent more than a decade performing public relations and marketing functions for financial consulting firms and found the job to be precisely as exciting as it sounds. When not tending to his wife or daughter Derek enjoys subjecting the public to his unique take on fatherhood, travel and animal husbandry. He has been published in Scary Mommy, Sammiches and Psych Meds, The Good Men Project, HowToBeADad, Red Tricycle, RAZED, HPP and the Anthology "It's Really Ten Months Special Delivery: A Collection of Stories from Girth to Birth.
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