Mattresses – a Serta-fiably Questionable Choice for a Fundraiser

Our local high school is selling mattresses to raise money for the marching band and, since learning about fundraiser, I’ve spent a lot of time wondering “why”? It’s not that I think that the marching band isn’t worthy of funds. Most “non-core” programs within public schools are woefully underfinanced these days. But why mattresses? I wouldn’t purchase a set of radial tires from the Humane Society or a toilet from the Rotarians. Why would I buy a bed from a high school?

To tell the truth, there aren’t many items I’d consider purchasing from a high school and a mattress doesn’t even make the bottom of a very long list. I’m already buying wrapping paper to help the art department and chocolate-covered pecans to fund the AV club. The odds that I’ll pick up a mattress to give the marching band a leg up are about as long as the odds that I’ll be picking up a few enema kits from the Shriners.

My hesitancy is, in part, due to the fact that I don’t currently need a mattress. If memory serves they aren’t an item that people burn through every three or four months which, again, begs the question “why mattresses?” They’re also fairly expensive and can run from a few hundred dollars into the thousands. Whatever the cost it’s probably more than I’m willing to spend so that a bunch of teenagers can play with their Sousaphones or fiddle with their flutes at band camp.

Even if I were in the market for a mattress I’d be hard-pressed to buy one sight unseen. Fortunately, the organizers of the fundraiser have anticipated this hiccup and have set up various brands on display for viewing and, presumably, a quick lie-in. This is a prospect I find somewhat less than appealing. Call me crazy but lying down on a mattress that’s been in a high school for any amount of time isn’t something I’d even do on a dare. For the sake of propriety I’ll just leave it at that and simply assume that someone in the administration is hoping that the band department goes under.

Unfortunately, the only product that would be a natural fit for a high school fundraiser was legalized in our State a few years ago. Now, I’m not saying that high school kids should be selling marijuana by any means but how about setting up a bake sale next to a few local dispensaries? If the powers that be are still hell-bent on selling mattresses as well then I’d suggest setting a few up in the parking lot. After eating a few edibles and goring on cupcakes I’ll bet the stoners would be up for a quick nap, for a fee of course. That should raise enough money to keep the band marching for years.

About the Author

derekbremer Prior to his life as a stay at home father Derek spent more than a decade performing public relations and marketing functions for financial consulting firms and found the job to be precisely as exciting as it sounds. When not tending to his wife or daughter Derek enjoys subjecting the public to his unique take on fatherhood, travel and animal husbandry. He has been published in Scary Mommy, Sammiches and Psych Meds, The Good Men Project, HowToBeADad, Red Tricycle, RAZED, HPP and the Anthology "It's Really Ten Months Special Delivery: A Collection of Stories from Girth to Birth.