An Annual Wellness Checkup Under Your New Insurance Plan Now Includes a Complimentary Band-Aid!

Doctor: Jeffrey it’s been a while. So tell me how are things going these days?

Jeff: We’ve never met. What happened to Dr. Schermer?

Doctor: It turned out that some of his diagnostic techniques were a bit…unconventional. He’s moved on to practice medicine in Los Angeles where that sort of thing is supported by the healthcare system.

Jeff: Thank God. Did you know he used a cootie catcher to diagnose me and said that I had a tipped uterus?

Doctor: Well as I mentioned some of his techniques were a bit unconventional but fortunately Dr. Schermer took extensive notes. There also appears to be a number of very graphic pictures as well. On the plus side it looks like your tipped uterus has righted itself.

Jeff: But I don’t have a tipped uterus. That’s what I kept trying to tell Dr. Schermer.

Doctor: Fantastic! That’s very good news indeed. Unfortunately that rules out a number of potentially expensive tests that we could perform. On that note, what kind of insurance do you have Jeffrey?

Jeff: It’s a Super Premium Double Plus program.

Doctor: I was afraid of that.

Jeff: Errr…why?

Doctor: Well your plan has certain limitations. You know healthcare isn’t what it used to be and it’s getting harder and harder every year for doctors like myself to keep a practice profitable.

Jeff: Wow I’m sorry to hear that.

Doctor: We’ve had to add in certain fees to supplement the money that the insurance companies won’t give us.

Jeff: So just what does my policy cover?

Doctor: Well it’s hard to say until we submit the claim but, based on my experience with your particular provider, I’m only allowed to put my head up to your chest and listen to your heartbeat without incurring a fee.

Jeff: What?

Doctor: Sorry I forgot one other benefit. It also looks like I’m allowed to give you a band-aid free of charge. Isn’t that something! Now let’s talk brass tacks. We’ve got a number of extremely affordable plans to supplement your insurance policy starting with our Platinum level program that you can purchase for only $4999.99.

Jeff: That’s ridiculous! I already pay more than $600 a month for my insurance!

Doctor: Which I mentioned will only get you a band-aid. We do have a more modest plan for $2999.99 which you can pay in installments over the year but there is a fair amount of paperwork involved. I’ll need your credit report to get things started and then there’s the loan approval process. The good news is that this plan is one of our most popular offerings. It includes a fairly comprehensive blood workup, hernia check, and our lung and heart checkup package which retails at $799.99 but goes down to just $299.99 if you purchase the optional prostate massage.

Jeff: I’m not paying three thousand dollars for a hernia check.

Doctor: …and a prostate massage! Listen. It sounds like you’re a discerning client which I appreciate and why I saved our thriftiest offering for last. For the small price of $1,999.99 I can give you our heart and lung checkup package, a nasal probe, not one, not two, but three toenail tensile home tests as well as this commemorative coffee mug celebrating the life and passing of Andre the Giant.

Jeff: I think I’ll pass.

Doctor: If bought separately these pieces would retail at over $4,000 but if you sign now I can give you the coffee mug, the nasal probe, our heart and lung checkup package, FIVE toenail tensile tests AND an eyebrow waxing session for either you or your lovely wife!!!! So what do you say Jeffrey?

Jeff: I’m not married so…

Doctor: But wait! If you order in the next five minutes. You can get everything I just mentioned TIMES TWO! That’s two nasal probes, two heart and lung checkup packages, ten toenail tensile tests and two waxing sessions all for the special low price of $1,699.99!!!

Jeff: I’m uhhh just going to leave now.

Doctor: I completely understand. In recognition of your loyalty to our firm this offer will remain open for the next 48 hours in the event something…unpleasant happens that makes you reconsider.

Jeff: Wait a minute. Are you threatening me?

Doctor: I’m offended that you would even suggest that possibility. Sometimes things just happen that cause you to consider your own mortality. After all Jeffrey, you can’t put a price on good health, now can you?

Jeff: Excuse me, I’ve got to leave.

Doctor: Don’t forget to see the pharmaceutical rep on your way out. There’s always one sitting in the lobby. You’ll be able to identify her because she’s young and attractive and, most likely, wearing a pantsuit. I believe the rep today is handing out discount cards for OxyContin. I’d encourage you to take as many as you like and, on a completely unrelated note, this month we’re offering a special rate of just $2999.99 a day for our outpatient substance abuse service.

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About the Author

derekbremer Prior to his life as a stay at home father Derek spent more than a decade performing public relations and marketing functions for financial consulting firms and found the job to be precisely as exciting as it sounds. When not tending to his wife or daughter Derek enjoys subjecting the public to his unique take on fatherhood, travel and animal husbandry. He has been published in Scary Mommy, Sammiches and Psych Meds, The Good Men Project, HowToBeADad, Red Tricycle, RAZED, HPP and the Anthology "It's Really Ten Months Special Delivery: A Collection of Stories from Girth to Birth.