Living the Spammed Life

A few weeks ago, I decided I’d been going about spam email all the wrong way. I used to block them and delete them, but I wasn’t listening to what the universe was trying to tell me. For years, I’d been reading subject lines about how I could live a better life through hot yoga and how to supercharge my metabolism by eating clean protein. Then one day I clicked through and haven’t looked back.

After all, who wouldn’t want to look radiant from a simple daily ritual that cleanses and nourishes your skin with natural healing oils? The old me would have declined these offers out of fear, but the new me is all about getting a free coffee maker that shows my love of modern design — if not necessarily coffee. That’s all it takes to access the world’s bounty.

Living the spammed life isn’t just about discounts on products or freebies. It’s also about making connections. I never knew how much of an influence I’d had on the people I knew in high school. Most of them are women, but a few are dudes. Each one sounds a little cryptic, and not at all like I remember. Is it possible they might be an entirely different person? Interesting thought. Regardless, I find the attention quite flattering. I never imagined so many people from my past would want to share pictures with me and reminisce about the good ol’ days. How nice is that?

Not to brag, but it also appears as if I’m something of a catch. Who would have thought a slightly out-of-shape man my age, albeit with most of his hair, would be so attractive to so many people? Women with exotic names like lilasexpot69 and localladydtf want to chat with me! It’s quite a boost to my ego, but sorry ladies, I’m happily married.

The constant concern out there about my well-being is also quite comforting. It’s nice to know the makers of 0zemp1c want to help me lose up to 27 pounds, and that Chloesterolz is always there to sell me statins at rock bottom prices. Honestly, with the abundance of treatments available, it’s a surprise that we’re not all living well past our 90s. There are beet extracts to cure high blood pressure, coffee enemas to cure lethargy, and even THC supplements to cure your anxiety about having high blood pressure and coffee enemas…

To read more just click through to Living the Spammed Life on Medium!

About the Author

derekbremer Prior to his life as a stay at home father Derek spent more than a decade performing public relations and marketing functions for financial consulting firms and found the job to be precisely as exciting as it sounds. When not tending to his wife or daughter Derek enjoys subjecting the public to his unique take on fatherhood, travel and animal husbandry. He has been published in Scary Mommy, Sammiches and Psych Meds, The Good Men Project, HowToBeADad, Red Tricycle, RAZED, HPP and the Anthology "It's Really Ten Months Special Delivery: A Collection of Stories from Girth to Birth.