Monovision: My Less-Than-Super Power

I went to the optometrist lasts week because I had some free time and I thought it might be fun to swing by for a visit. That actually isn’t really true at all. I didn’t have any free time but one thing I’ve discovered is that, the older I get, the more time I’m going to be spending with medical professionals.

Of course I also spend quite a lot of time trying to not visit doctors too. After all, I’ve only got a limited number of days left on this earth and the last thing I’d like to do is spend them in a doctor’s office. Unfortunately I’m approaching a certain age where the body begins its long slow descent into decrepitude. It’s a wonderful time in a man’s life and an opportunity I’ve taken to consider the many other blessings that age will bestow upon me because I’m an upbeat sort of guy.

Incontinence, for example, isn’t something I’m particularly looking forward to for but I can see the upside. I’d never opt to wear adult diapers under most circumstances but they can’t be all that bad. Just think about all the time and effort I’ll save by soiling myself instead of walking from the bed to the bathroom in the middle of the night? The same goes for losing my hearing. Sure I’ll miss out on things like the sound of my daughter’s voice but, then again, I won’t mind not being able to hear the birds squawking away at 4:00 in the morning or my neighbors mowing their lawns at 8:00 in the evening.

It’s a bit harder to find the positives to losing my sight which was a big reason I didn’t cancel the appointment with my optometrist in the first place. All things considered the visit went fairly well. After a cursory sight test we quickly reaffirmed the fact that I was almost legally blind and then, just for giggles, the optometrist dilated my eyes which isn’t a procedure that has positive connotations in any medical scenario. At the end of the inspection I was pleased to discover that I did not need bifocals…yet. The optometrist tweaked my existing prescription, ordered a set of trial contacts, and I went on about my way.

I was feeling pretty good about the visit until my contacts arrived. My distance vision was improved dramatically. In fact I’m fairly certain that I could read the headline of a newspaper behind a dumpster some few hundred yards away. I also discovered that a lot of my neighbors were pretty cavalier about leaving their curtains open which is neither here nor there but has given me a few conversation starters I’m looking forward to using at the next block party.

My near vision did not fare as well as my distance vision in that it was pretty much nonexistent. Anything under thirty six point font became entirely illegible. I suffered through for a few days. I even knuckled under the pressure and found a pair of reading glasses my wife and daughter had bought me for Father’s Day “just to be funny” but they were not a viable solution and, so, it was back to the optometrist.

The second visit was much briefer than the first. After explaining my predicament I waited for the “B” word to drop. I was pretty much resigned to the fact that I was going to be fit for a pair of bifocals and all they implied (erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, a loss of bladder control, senility, long rambling stories that have no particular end) when I was introduced to a miracle of modern science called “Monovision.”

It sounded like some sort of super power but I wasn’t really clear on exactly what kind of super power it might be. Would I be able to see through the curtains in my neighbor’s house (not that they used them)? How about through the walls of one of those “massage” parlors I’d been driving by for decades? In theory the possibilities were intriguing.

The reality, however, turned out to be a little disappointing. Monovision essentially involved gauging one contact for distance and the other for near vision which sounded like a convenient way to have a stroke. Fortunately I was able to see well enough to make it home without any undue physical or mental damage. I didn’t even hit a single sign or pedestrian along the way.

It was only later that night when I tried to read that I realized monovision might not be a super power at all or even really all that super in the first place. I shouldn’t have been surprised. Nothing all that fun has the prefix “mono” in front of it. Monopoly is a terrible game. Mononucleosis isn’t a laugh a minute romp either. I’ve never cared for people who feel the need to monogram things so I shouldn’t have been surprised that monovision was all that different.

The upshot of monovision is that it compromises clarity of vision for the sake of vanity. I can mostly make out words printed in normal sized font but it takes some effort. The same is true for my distance vision. Road signs, for example, might not be crystal clear but they’re just clear enough that I can make my way around town without too many issues. I’m told that monovision is really just a temporary solution and that eventually I’ll come to a time when I’ll choose bifocals and untrammeled vision over vanity. The only question that remains is how much more of my vision I’m willing to sacrifice over the years to remain bifocal free. My guess is that it’s going to turn out to be quite a lot.

About the Author

derekbremer Prior to his life as a stay at home father Derek spent more than a decade performing public relations and marketing functions for financial consulting firms and found the job to be precisely as exciting as it sounds. When not tending to his wife or daughter Derek enjoys subjecting the public to his unique take on fatherhood, travel and animal husbandry. He has been published in Scary Mommy, Sammiches and Psych Meds, The Good Men Project, HowToBeADad, Red Tricycle, RAZED, HPP and the Anthology "It's Really Ten Months Special Delivery: A Collection of Stories from Girth to Birth.