Love Like Cantaloupe: The Tragic Tale of One Man’s Toxic Relationship with Melon

I love cantaloupe but I don’t think I’m in love with it. Does that make sense?

It always starts the same way. I go to the store and, even though I swear I won’t put myself though the same ordeal again, I find myself eyeing the stand with the cantaloupes despite the fact that there are a lot of other perfectly good melons out there.

It’s a compulsion I guess.

I do my best to find one that I think I’ll be able to work with but it’s not all that easy. Sometimes I give one a sniff or a thump. I know it isn’t exactly appropriate but everyone at the store is doing it and, to be honest, I’ve never known any other way to find a good one.

The worst part though? The one thing that keeps me up at night? It’s when I get home and put the cantaloupe on the counter and then pretty much forget about it. Three days later or so it’s rotten and I’ve got to throw it away which clearly isn’t a healthy ending to any relationship.

In my defense there are times that I put the cantaloupe in the fridge. I’ve heard it can’t stay out at room temperature forever and I totally get that but putting it in refrigeration just feels so…cold. It’s like I’m saying “I’m not all that concerned with whatever your needs are right now so just chill out.”

How screwed up is that?

Even if things work out I still have some concerns. I mean how healthy can a relationship be when the best way it can end is if one partner cuts up and then eats the other? Then again maybe cantaloupes like to be cut up. Maybe they’ve been bred to enjoy being cut up over centuries and their natural survival instincts have been subverted. That, however, is a sticky philosophical question and one I’m not quite prepared to deal with.

For my part I like to believe that every cantaloupe I have ever bought and eaten has lead a long and fulfilling life, at least as much as a cantaloupe can. I’ve never been a cantaloupe. I don’t speak “cantaloupe” and, as far as I know, they don’t speak English so I have to make a lot of assumptions.

I know that cantaloupe does a lot of good things for me. It’s got lots of vitamins and fiber for my regularity. I’m just not sure that I’m good for cantaloupe.

I had the same thing going on with pineapple for a while. I’d go to a store and pick out one I thought I’d like; that looked nice and ripe and not too yellow. I know it sounds shallow when I put it that way but an attraction has to start somewhere even if it’s just skin deep. Like cantaloupe though my fling with pineapple ended in pretty much the same way. Once I got it home I’d just pop it on the counter and then forget about it.

I’m beginning to think that I might be the problem.

It’s gotten to a point where I’ve thought about going into therapy. I mean how many cantaloupes or pineapples does a guy like me have to go through? It’s not like I’m not willing to commit. I know I’m getting on in years and that I don’t have much time left before I have to settle down for good.

Then again it’s possible that I haven’t found the perfect one yet. It could be a pineapple or a cantaloupe but I’ve heard a lot about berries and it seems like they have a good thing going. I’ve never been a fan of bananas but I’m willing to give them a shot. I guess I’m just trying to find a breakfast fruit that gets me but doesn’t totally define me if that makes sense.

I really don’t think that’s so much to ask.

About the Author

derekbremer Prior to his life as a stay at home father Derek spent more than a decade performing public relations and marketing functions for financial consulting firms and found the job to be precisely as exciting as it sounds. When not tending to his wife or daughter Derek enjoys subjecting the public to his unique take on fatherhood, travel and animal husbandry. He has been published in Scary Mommy, Sammiches and Psych Meds, The Good Men Project, HowToBeADad, Red Tricycle, RAZED, HPP and the Anthology "It's Really Ten Months Special Delivery: A Collection of Stories from Girth to Birth.