The Nibbler: Raising a Puppy with an Oral Fetish

About a week ago we got a puppy which, at the very least, implies some sort of emotional disorder on my part. At the very worst, it’s clearly a sign of early onset dementia.

My reasoning was this: We already have a dog that’s pretty much still a puppy, how bad could it be to raise another? The answer to that question turned out to be slightly more complex than I thought it would be.

Our older puppy’s name is Tinkles and she was about as fun to housetrain as her moniker implies. Two and a half years ago we welcomed Tinkles into our lives and it’s only been a year or so since she’s hasn’t been urinating all over the house with wild abandon.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve come…not to loathe Tinkles. I even think of her affectionately from time to time now that I’ve, apparently, forgotten the difficulties of teaching her not to relieve herself in the house. Now with an eight week old puppy all of those memories have come roaring back.

I really can’t properly convey how much Tinkles really enjoyed pissing in the house. I’m sure she enjoyed taking a leak in the yard as well but urinating in the house appeared to be her reason for being. She would wake in early hours of the morning to pee in the house and probably slept at night dreaming of where to do so the next day. The location in our home didn’t really matter. Tinkles wasn’t choosy. A rug, kitchen tile or hardwood floor, any flat surface within reach seemed to suit her just fine and it’s a trait she’s bequeathed to the newest and furriest member of our household.

Some families pass down treasured porcelain or silverware. In our family we have dogs who pass down the joy of indoor urination. In addition to hosing down the floor the new puppy also enjoys taking the occasional dump in the foyer or living room which is something that Tinkles never really took part in. Even better, the little guy seems to be a bit of a chewer!

Just today I found him gnawing on an old door stop that had been covered in eighty years of lead paint. The last time I read up on the subject it didn’t seem like lead was something that most mammals should be consuming so I stopped The Nibbler as I was concerned about his health. I was also keen to avoid a costly visit to the veterinarian but there’s only so much I can do.

The Nibbler has an oral fetish that would keep a psychotherapist swimming in cash and medical articles for years. When he’s not chewing on doorstops slathered in lead-based paint The Nibbler enjoys chowing down on floorboards, chair legs, cook books, pens, pencils and even a toilet seat from time to time. A few days ago I found him blissfully nibbling away on his weiner. At one point he stopped and yelped, somewhat surprised at the outcome of his endeavors, before he continued to dutifully gnaw at his own private parts.

The Nibbler is an equal opportunity chewer. Anything within the bite of his dagger like puppy teeth appears to be fair game. His chew toys seem to occupy him for a while but, recently, he seems to enjoy chewing on Tinkles. For her part Tinkles doesn’t really seem to mind. She tolerates the new puppy and even enjoys rough housing with him for a few minutes but even Tinkles gets a bit worn out with The Nibbler.

Just this morning I had both dogs baby gated in the kitchen and left to do some laundry or maybe just take a quick nap on the concrete basement floor because it’s the only place in the house where I can be alone. When I came back upstairs The Nibbler was cheerfully munching on Tinkle’s tail which she seemed to take in stride until I realized that she was really, just completely, exhausted. Having been up with The Nibbler for half the night I could sympathize and, as I gazed into her warm brown eyes, she conveyed the question I had been asking myself for the past few weeks.

“What in the fuck have you done?” she seemed to ask.

Sadly I had no answer at least, not a satisfactory one. In addition to completely forgetting what a chore it is to housetrain a dog I managed to believe that we needed another one. My rational was that Tinkles, being a high energy dog, needed another high energy dog to keep her occupied.

I was wrong and now I’ve inflicted The Nibblers habits on our home and, occasionally, its inhabitants as well. Just the other day I found him munching away on the carpet on our stairs. It seems like there’s a cheap joke to be made there but, after getting six hours of sleep in three days, I’m not sure what it is.

About the Author

derekbremer Prior to his life as a stay at home father Derek spent more than a decade performing public relations and marketing functions for financial consulting firms and found the job to be precisely as exciting as it sounds. When not tending to his wife or daughter Derek enjoys subjecting the public to his unique take on fatherhood, travel and animal husbandry. He has been published in Scary Mommy, Sammiches and Psych Meds, The Good Men Project, HowToBeADad, Red Tricycle, RAZED, HPP and the Anthology "It's Really Ten Months Special Delivery: A Collection of Stories from Girth to Birth.